Paper Pregnant

New Blog

I have started a new blog. Please join me at http://lizardqueen.typepad.com/

Mandy

To Noah and Lily

I am not certain as to when you will be old enough to understand everything that I have written in this blog, that is now this book that you hold in your hands. I imagine that there are many questions that will come from all of this information, and I want you to know that I am an open book and will always answer you truthfully.

My Paper Pregnancy has finally come to an end. After almost a year of red tape, you are here, right now sleeping soundly in your cribs for your morning nap. Your dad and I have been through some trying times, but those are behind us now. Maybe your eyes are not mine, but in them, I see my future. I cannot put into words just how much we wanted you. I think you have read here just how badly we wanted to get you home. It was because we loved you at first thought, and then at first sight. We have a special kind of love, our little family. Different from the love of an average family. I only hope that you will always feel that this is true.

So, be good kids, would ya? Be respectful and kind. Be loving and accepting. Be tolerant and forgiving. Be assertive and good listeners. Be good friends. Be honest. Be safe. Use common sense. Work hard. Live with integrity. Come home for the holidays. Live your lives knowing the love we have for you in our hearts. And find your bliss.

All of my love,

Mom

Dear Lily

Dear Lily,

You have been home for a month now, and your arrival has made our family whole. It is hard to believe that you are finally here, my sweet little girl. You are such a happy baby, always smiling and clapping your hands. And you are very deliberate in your actions. You know what you want and though you appear dainty, if there happens to be a toy thief nearby, you can hold your own with force and determination. You love to dance and you have already taken a couple steps.

It took you a little bit of time to get used to living here, but once you began to feel comfortable, you came alive. We call you Lily-Pie when you are being cute and Silly Lilly when you are screaming just for fun. You like to point at things, mostly lights. You are patient and easy going and you are just a joy to be around.

The first time we saw your sweet face we fell in love with you. We feel so fortunate to have found you, and you us. We have so much to look forward to in this life together. I look forward to doing all those girl things with you...shopping, getting our nails done, hearing all about the boy of the week, looking for prom dresses, and one day, your wedding dress. We love you more than words can describe and we hope that you will love your life with us.

Dear Noah

 

Dear Noah,

You have been home for two months now and the way you run around the place, anyone would think you have been here since birth. Your personality has blossomed. You are a sweet soul, but you can be impatient and demanding as well. I think it is because you like living with us and you just can't get enough love. You have the sweetest smile and you can belt out a good belly laugh. You find things funny. You will pick up a toy, look at it, and giggle to yourself. You are really precious.

It has been almost a year since we heard about you. We were told that there was a baby boy being born in two weeks, and we were asked if we would we be interested. We were. It was you. Amazing how the stars align. When we received the first photos of you, we fell in love. I have to say that you looked a little like a bird, but let me tell you...that little bird has grown into one of the cutest baby boys I have ever seen in my entire life.

We love you in a way that neither your dad nor I can describe. We look forward to living our life with you, and watching you grow into a toddler, young boy, teenager and then a man. Life is only beginning, son. I hope that you will find that it is a happy one.

The Power of Poop

I am amazed at how much focus goes on around here on poop. Has Noah pooped? Has Lily pooped? BIG torta?? (as nanny calls it) or small one? Is this the 2nd of the day?? Who is constipated? Get out the prune juice. Is the consistency weird? WHAT DID THAT KID EAT?!?!? And sometimes, we even need to share it with each other for consultation. Like a little poop summit. Amazing. Things you just don't think about otherwise.

______________________________

In blog title changing news: It is somewhat more complicated than I thought. So, I have to finish here, order the book made, and then I will do the change. I am afraid to do the change and mess up what I have here. I am not that techy, so I don't trust myself. We had Lily's pictures taken yesterday so hopefully by next week I will be able to post both Noah and Lily's announcement photos. I have had Noah's for a while, but I didn't want to put his up way in advance of hers. That will be some of the last stuff that gests posted here on Paper Pregnant.

Put Our Embryos Out to Pasture

Or out to petri dish. Last week I got the bill for the next year of embryo storage. I think we have somewhere in the neighborhood of 20 frozen embryos from two different IVF cycles. Another year of storage would have been $900. It gets more expensive every year. Anyway, we have more than our fair share of children now, and the thought of pregnancy scares me for so many reasons that it was time to fill out the "Disposition of Frozen Embryos" form. We donated our embryos to our clinic for research.

I hope that somehow the use of our unused embryos will help another couple achieve their dream of having a family. I am so happy to have the IVF portion of my life way behind me. It was such a roller coaster ride. So many drugs. So many injections. So many ultrasounds. So many blood draws. My good blood-giving vein is so damaged with scar tissue that they have to wiggle around in there now to get any blood. Our IVF times were not the best, but it was a time of hope. Hope that all of the torture would end in a baby. I guess it did. We just couldn't get to the happy ending.

So, to my little cell clusters...come out of the freezer and back to life for a short time, but for long enough to make a difference.

The Easter Bunny Missed Our House

This was our first Easter together as a family, and the poor kids didn't have any Easter baskets. In my mind I had all of these ideas about how the holidays would be with the kids. How they would have over-flowing Easter baskets with candy and toys...but not this year. We are in survival mode here! We couldn't even schedule in a trip to Target for a couple stuffed bunnies. Next year it will be different. I get a lot of shopping done during my lunchtime at work. Noah and Lily, I promise that next year you will have big baskets and hunt for Easter treasures.

We weren't going to go to my uncle's house because we have been told that large crowds aren't good for newly adopted babies at first. I think Noah is fine now but I was worried about Lily. We ended up going for an hour because it is less than a mile away and we were able to say hi, introduce the babies to my extended family, and run home before their afternoon nap.

We didn't get a family picture with daddy, but daddy did manage to snap a few of us before we changed the babies out of their clothes for their nap. Isn't Lily's dress adorable? I wish the picture showed more of it, it is darling. It was a gift from my friend Sandi and her kids, Ava and Aidan. Thanks, again, Sandi!

 

Mealtime Battles, Fits and Hair Pulling

I haven't had one minute to look into changing over my blog, but I will...soon. All is going so well. Especially with Miss Lily. She is adjusting beautifully and is her smiley, happy self. She can be a real ham, clapping her hands, waving, flashing her teeth. But it has been hell trying to get her to eat. We confirmed with her foster mother that all Lily "liked" was rice cereal and mixed fruit. And it showed. I would give her a few bites of this or that and before I knew it, she had her lips sealed, refusing anything and everything. She had a fit every time I put her in the high chair and put on her bib. My instinct as a mother is to feed her, make sure she eats, so I consulted the experts, the ladies on my iVillage board.

After much input, I decided to keep trying to get her to eat, even if a few bites. But it was a struggle. Then, the other day I thought I would get out my home made baby food and see what she thought. She liked it! She ate! She opened her mouth! We were celebrating! We found some food she likes!! Or will eat, anyway. Then today I tried something new. Ro usually feeds Noah and I feed Lily. Ro was busy so I began feeding Noah, gave him a few bites and remembered some advice I got about having her watch Noah eat and maybe she would want some. It worked! She ate the chicken and veggie dish he was eating. And she ate a lot of it. It is amazing how satisfied I felt after she ate. Like I had done my job. As for Noah, he will eat anything. He hasn't met a veggie he didn't like. He hasn't had any food he didn't like. But Lily, she is going to be my picky eater. But hey, she has a few veggies and yogurt she will eat and now I will add the chicken and veggies to her repertoire. If that ends up being all she will eat, well then I think I might be happy for now.

Noah seems to be going through an adjustment since Lily has been home. Probably because he has to share our attention. He has been fussier at nap time and is not drinking all of his bottle. Also, he can't stand waiting in the exersaucer while we bathe Lily and he has to wait his turn. We put him in the hallway so he can see us, but he still has a fit. It could just be a phase he is going through as well. I find myself always trying to determine the cause of this or that. Is it adjustment? Or just typical 10-11 month old behavior? When I ask around, it seems that most babies go through the same thing around their age.

So, the weigh in has Ro down 15lbs, and I am down 10 lbs. I would love to lose another 13 lbs and be where I was the day I got married. I have a feeling that if I made just a tiny effort, it would be gone in 6 months. We'll see...I have a basket full of Mrs. Beasley's goodies sitting in front of me, a gift from our friend Yvette and her family (thanks, Yvette). Right up my alley....hey, I am a stress eater! And I am stressed. But it is a good stress!

I will close with the first picture that we got of Lily pulling Noah's hair. I don't know that they pull each other's hair out of anger...yet...but more of like...hey, cool hair, I think I will pull it and see what it feels like....

 

We Made It

We touched down right at midnight, Tuesday night. And as we were on approach, I looked out at the city lights and thought about where I was one year ago, and where I was at that moment. I had my daughter in my arms, waiting to put her feet on the ground, and my son at home, sleeping peacefully in his bed. My paper pregnancy was about to end and I had so many feelings running through me. Relief, incredible joy, anxiety, fear, content. It was a lot to take in. Overwhelming to say the least. Because my new life was going to begin. And I must say, my new life is pretty damn good. Exhausting, but good!

Lily became a United States citizen just after midnight March 12th. Here is her first picture touching U.S. soil.

Lily did her best on the flight. She slept most of the time, but when she was up she was crying and whiny and generally upset. But she is doing so much better each day. She is happy and smiling and she and Noah are having a great time together. Here are the pilots who brought her home.

The babies were so cute when they saw each other for the first time since Noah's pick up trip. Noah was up first and eating breakfast when Lily came downstairs. They just stared at each other for a few minutes. It was so cute.

Today, they were playing together like they were old pals. Stealing toys from each other, nearly knocking heads a few times, a few smacks here and there. Noah is so funny. When Lily shakes her head no or moves her arms up and down when she is excited, Noah laughs at her. Big hearty belly laughs. He thinks she is so funny. He has also given her a few random kisses. I don't know if he is really kissing her or if he means to bite her, but it looks cute.

We have our family now. Isn't it amazing? Just when we thought this day would never come, it is here. Boy is it here. It is hear loud and clear. Many people have asked if I am going to keep blogging and whether or not I am going to change the name of my blog. The answer is yes to both. I imagine that the subject of my new blog is going to be raising virtual twins while pursuing a career and taking care of a home and husband. Nothing different from what what zillions of women are doing around the world. But I have made so many friends far and wide, so stop by now and again and say hello. I will be here. I probably have just a few posts left under this title before I make the change. I plan to have Paper Pregnant made into a book. There is a service that does that. I imagine it is going to take me a couple weeks to get the new title going.

I know that this is the first of many, but this is the first family photo that was taken of us at home. We made it!!

GOTCHA II

Our Embassy appointment was this morning and Lily's IR-3 visa was approved so we are done! We wait for her travel visa tomorrow and we are outta here! Here is a picture from this morning.

We did have to do something this morning that neither Ro or I do very often. We had to go back on our word. Last week when Ro spoke to Lily's foster mother about the pick up arrangements, she asked if she could come see Lily before we left tomorrow and we told her yes. In the past, Lily has not had a problem when she was dropped off. I knew that this could change at any time and especially as Lily got older. Well, our little princess is grieving. She cried a good amount after her foster family left. And a lot of it might have been because her foster mother and foster sister were bawling. Lily knew something was up. They were in our room for a little while visiting and they all left at once. Poor Lily. She was being left behind. She has no idea that her life is just beginning.

Last night I couldn't sleep. As exhausted as I was from only a morning nap (I don't sleep on planes), I couldn't sleep thinking that we really should tell Lily's foster mother that it isn't a good idea for her to see her again...get Lily all upset and start all over again. After talking with Nanny and Ro's mom, we made the decision to tell the foster mother that it was better if she didn't come. I feel bad because she thought she was going to see her at least one more time. But I know that my responsibility is to protect my child. So that is what I did. We apologized. And I am sure that she understood, but I know that she was upset because she loves Lily. And I will never be able to thank her enough. Yes, she got paid to care for Lily, but she didn't get paid to love her and treat her as her own child. That was a gift.

Lily is doing better today, but she isn't eating much. This can be typical when babies are grieving. She has only had 1 1/2 bottles since yesterday afternoon and she didn't want any cereal this morning...but it was only 6am when I was trying to feed her. She drank her bottle when she first got up so I suppose she will eat when she is hungry. She is napping now. A much needed nap. She did sleep from about 8:30pm to 4:00am. At first we were going to have her sleep with us. I think it was too much of a distraction because she was crying and climbing on us. Once we put her into the pack and play she calmed down and whimpered for about half an hour before falling asleep.

I know that she is going to get better every day and that this is a process, but it still breaks my heart to know that she is hurting inside. I promised her last night that she was going to have the best life that we could give her. And I promised her it would be full of fun and love.