Love Street

Pre-Easter Festivities

So things have quieted down here a bit after we converted Noah's crib to a toddler bed, and then put baby gates around it to keep him from playing around in his room. He will sometimes play a while, then hop in his bed and go to sleep.

Ro took a few days off so we had 5 days of family time, and time to get to know Lily's new tantrum stage. Our nanny had mentioned it, but now having been with the kids 24/7 for a week, YIKES! I am beginning to learn her triggers, so we will see if I can lessen them.

We had a nice Easter get together on Saturday with Ro's family. I love that everyone is willing to get together on a different day so that we can all be together and not try to be everywhere on one day.

Here are a couple of my favorite pix.

 

   

TIO!

I am watching Noah play with the blinds next to his crib. I must have accidentally pushed his crib too close to the wall when I set him down. Well, at least he is inside and has only jumped out once so far this nap.

After a harrowing day yesterday with Noah jumping out probably 30 times during nap and 10+ at bedtime, I told Ro that I give up. We are going to convert his bed and then put the "cage" around this crib so he can't run around and play in his room.

What do people do without camera monitors?? In order to save my delicate back, I decided to stand at his door with it and when I saw him lift his leg up, I opened the door and gave him a stern no. Did that a couple of times and he has been playing with the blinds since. Well, at least I get a break. Yesterday, after the 30 times at nap time, I said forget it and took him downstairs and made him lay with me on the couch while we watched cartoons. He protested at first, but then he relaxed and I thought he might fall asleep. At least he (and I) rested for about an hour.

We ventured out to Borders today and bought some new books. Seems that they are tired of some of the books we have. When they ask for books, I have to show them at least 3-4 books and they say no to each one until I find one that they like. It is so cute because Lily doesn't really say yes, she says si.

Besides all the chaos, I am really having fun. Just being able to sit and relax and have them sit on my lap throughout the day is all I need to make it worthwhile. If they are in the mood to give hugs and kisses, it is extra special. Yesterday when Noah was in timeout in the pack n play in the other room, Lily went over and they were having a full on conversation, totally back and forth. Who knows what they were saying...but if I had to guess...what did you do? i took off my jammies again, that gets you a time out around here these days. I know, me too. Well, I hope you get out soon because it sucks to have to play alone. Thanks, I think I only have another minute.

Are We Having Fun Yet?

Today is my first full day at home with the kids. So far so good. No mishaps, except for maybe my cooking. I tried to recreate our nanny's black beans with brown rice concoction, but it fell short. But the critics who matter ate it anyway. Must have been the cheese and avocado masking the lack of flavor. I need to figure out what she did to make black beans and rice taste. I added garlic and onion, but still.

Last week Noah escaped his crib for the first time, and has done so a few more times since then. I put him down for a nap about 30 minutes ago and he has climbed out 5 times. This is the most ever. The sleep bible says to not make eye contact, go in and put him back. Make that 8 times now. I have to be able to outlast him until he gives up. No break around here. Nap time was supposed to be the time where I checked email, my boards and kept up this blog. Ain't happening. Make that 10. Did I say so far so good?

At 12 times it was time for a stern reprimand. Didn't work. We are on 13. Just took some Advil. My back will feel this tomorrow.

ok, I have lost track now. Time to go.

Oh, and did I mention that Lily is screaming with all the racket.

VLVB!

I am racking my brain to try to remember when it happened....how I found the iVillage message boards and my second family. I think it was when Ro and I decided to try to have a baby and I quit the pill and was searching for pregnancy symptoms on the net. I came across iVillage and there was an "Are You Pregnant?" board that I scoured looking for answers.

Later, I found the board for Intra Uterine Insemination and other TTC--trying to conceive-- boards. I then joined the IVF board where I stayed for a long time trying to have a baby. It was there that I met some amazing women with whom I have enjoyed incredibly close friendships with over the last five years. We have shared tragic lows and the greatest joys...there to root each other on, and hold each others' hands during the dark times. I treasure these friendships. During the most difficult times in my life, these women were there for me in a way that no other friends could be. That is not to say that my IRL --in real life-- friends were not there for me because they were and I love them very much. But my cyber friends and I shared a bond through infertility with our difficult and heart wrenching journeys to have children. So when Nathaniel and then Ava died, they came to my rescue in a way that no one else could. They helped shoulder my burden and I believe that it was the community of women that I was a part of  that helped me to survive. That may sound dramatic. But there were days that I was certain that my body would quit and I would die, my grief was so deep.

Then my cyber friends became incredible cheerleaders. From the day I announced that Ro and I were considering adoption, the support began and has never stopped. They, along with all of my IRL friends and family, traveled along with us on our journey to bring Lily and Noah home. Lily and Noah's homecoming was a triumph for us all.

Soon I get to meet a group of my cyber friends in Las Vegas for a long weekend. I cannot express the excitement that I am feeling to finally be able to wrap my arms around these incredible women and tell them in person what an impact they have had on my life. And tell them thank you for their friendship during the good times. But more than that, thank you for their friendship during the bad times.

Not everyone can make it, and for that I am very sad. This trip will not be the same without some of my friends, but as a whole, this trip will represent all of my cyber friendships. For those of you who can't make it, and for those cyber friends of mine who are not part of this iVillage group but with whom I have been friends for a long time...since I may never be able to tell you in person...thank you for being there during the good times. And the bad times.

For those of you who will be in Las Vegas soon....VIVA LAS VEGAS, BABY!!!

The Best Kind of Hurt

Gosh, time does fly. Everyone says that kids grow so quickly and to treasure every day. I get it now. Lily has been home for one year today, and how far she has come. When we went to pick up Lily, my poor baby was very upset, missing her foster family. She was so upset, and barely cracked a smile for the first few days. She hardly laughed and didn't say much. But after about a week, my baby girl came alive, and it has been a joy to watch her learn and grow.

Lily is a character and a lot of fun. She is constantly laughing and smiling...but don't underestimate her. Her smiles are often sly as she is always thinking about how she can get away with something she isn't supposed to do. She is also a bamboozler. If Noah has something she wants, she brings him another toy to distract him. He drops the toy she wants, and she gets it and runs. Noah used to fall for it every time, but now he has become wise to her and if he doesn't want to give up what she wants, he will protest. Then she will throw at him the toy meant to distract him. Then she goes to time out.

Not even two, she has a very big, endearing personality. She is so lovable, and when she smiles her giddy smile and shakes with happiness, she washes away every care from my busy life. 

Every night when I put her to bed, we spend a few minutes together. She used to let me rock her for a while, but lately she wants to go straight to her crib. I hold her in the dark for a few moments and rock her back and forth. I love you, I whisper and kiss her forehead. Night-night, mama, she whispers. Night-night, mama. Then I give her a squeeze, lay her down and stroke her forehead. And it is that moment every night I feel that pain in my heart. The kind where you love someone so much it hurts.

 

   

 

 

The Great Trade

Wow! What a whirlwind it has been at work since word of my resignation was put out. My boss sent an email to everyone in the company letting them know that I resigned. He even attached a copy of my resignation letter because I think he wanted to make certain people knew that it was my decision to leave. We have had many, many layoffs and my own pride did have me thinking about anyone wondering if they had decided to get rid of me...because I do think that it has been quite convenient to have layed off a few of the people who were layed off. But my boss took care of that for me. I have received emails, calls and visits from many people around the country who I have worked with over the years. Even our company's founder and Chairman of the Board sent me a warm message. It had been very humbling.

And the feeding frenzy over my job!! Incredible! I had no idea so many superstars would want it. I mean, I think it is one of the best jobs at our branch, and most of the time I don't even feel like I am working. I never equate my work with the money that gets deposited in our bank account every couple weeks. I guess that is a good thing. My boss has asked me to be involved in the interview process of the six candidates being considered. That will begin next week.

All of this excitement has led me to reflect on my past accomplishments. I feel proud of what I have done in my career. And I feel proud that I earned an advanced degree along the way. My decision to leave my job has left me with a great feeling of empowerment as a woman and a mother. I am walking away by choice, and I am trading everything I have ever worked for, for everything I have ever dreamed of.

Not a bad place to be.

How Much Love Can Your Heart Grow in a Year?

I can still remember the days when time went by slowly. My aching heart, waiting, wondering when my kids would be ready to come home. It is hard to believe that last Thursday was the one year anniversary of Noah's homecoming.

I remember the moment we brought Noah through the front door. I felt so proud to bring him home, and I couldn't wait to show him around. We snuggled in for the night together, but he wasn't in the mood for sleeping. He finally fell asleep. We hardly slept a wink, so excited to have him home, nervous that we would roll over on him.

We spent the next few weeks getting to know our son, and fell deeper in love with him every day. Fast forward to one year later and the love continues to grow. Noah is a mellow guy, a very sweet soul. He finds humor in anything and nothing. He has a deep, raspy voice, and he talks more than Lily. He will try to say anything you ask him to say.

I love the way he says, Mama??...and I wait for the question he is going to ask. He can't quite ask, but the wonder in his voice prompts me to answer, Yes Noah? Mama?? Yes, baby? And I usually get a smile. And my heart swells. I love him so much.

Noah likes to play with his cars, but he would rather rock the baby. He likes to take his monkey to the changing table for a diaper change if I tell him his monkey is stinky. He is a good daddy, often wanting take his baby or monkey for a walk in the stroller. He still loves to eat, and usually when I set his plate on his high chair tray he says, thank you. He is truly precious. 

Noah, I am so proud to be your mom.  My love for you is immeasurable.

 

 

 

I Won The Lottery

Well, not in the literal sense. But almost.

Ever since Lily and Noah have been home, people have asked me when I was going to quit my job and I always replied, "When I win the lottery!"

It appears that I won the lottery when I married Ro, because he has made it possible for me to make a career change to that of Stay At Home Mom. Today, I presented my letter of resignation to my boss. Can you believe it? I QUIT MY JOB!!!

Now, I have to explain that I am a company girl. I love my job. I love the company I work for. I love my friends at work. I have worked there for 15 years, since I was a baby. But I love my kids more. My boss asked me if I wanted a little more time to consider my decision. Nope.

I never pictured myself as a SAHM. I figured I would be a working mom. But each day when I walk out the front door to go to work, it hurts my heart. I worked so hard to get to the family I have...what the hell have I been doing? I want to be the one to kiss boo-boos, wipe runny noses and potty train. And I want my kids to never a remember a time when mom wasn't there.

Everyone at work is shocked. It has been interesting to hear about all of the people who could be interested in my job. My boss asked me to help choose my replacement. Fortunately, there are a lot of good people who would do really well. I have offered to stay for a month to help turn over my responsibilities, perhaps a little longer if necessary.

At the end of the day, I look at it not as walking away from my job, but walking toward my family.

Thank you, Ro, for making this possible. You continue to make my life's dreams come true. I love you more than I can say.

Mama

Mama is the sweetest word I will ever know. Especially when uttered from the mouths of my babes. Recently I was on an overnight trip for work, the first one in quite some time, and listening to them say mama, mama, mama on the phone about broke my heart. I hate being away from them. Hate it. Travel for work used to be fun. Not anymore.

Lily and Noah's vocabulary has exploded. Noah will try to say anything if you ask him but Lily will only try if she is in the mood. Noah says more words, but Lily says more words clearly. They are so funny. Neither can say "sleeping", so they will say daddy (insert snoring sound)?  or baby (snore)?

They are getting into more mischief. When they have contraband, they run to the corners to hide while they explore whatever it is they have managed to get their hands on. Lily hides things, I assume so Noah can't play with them. They have started to play with each other more, chasing and wrestling. They are a lot of fun.

I swear they get heavier every day, but they are the same weight since their last doctor appointment last month. Lily weighs 24 lbs and Noah 26 lbs.They eat a lot, but I guess they burn it all off. Remember those kids who ate everything? Well, while they are possibly less picky than other toddlers their age, they still have their moments. They love something one day and hate it 2 days later. It's maddening. But I can't bring myself to not offer them something else if they won't eat what I serve them. My emergency dinner is always cheese, turkey and crackers if I have mutiny in the high chairs.

Time has flown by. Next week it will be a year that Noah has been home. It almost seems like yesterday. We are already thinking about their birthday party. I can't believe they are going to be 2 soon! Where does the time go?

Here are a couple pictures from a recent trip to a local zoo. Lily and Noah loved feeding the animals!

Hail to the Chief

I had Tivo ready, but found myself at my desk this morning trying to get live feed from CNN along with about 80 million other people. I felt compelled to witness the inauguration in real time. With spotty video, I was able to watch the ceremony and take part just a little bit.

Although I was a Hillary supporter until the bitter end, I have come to believe that President Obama is the right person at the right time for this country. President Obama. PRESIDENT Obama! 

After we put the kids to bed, we watched some of the 7 hours we recorded. I was amazed at all the people in the crowd. I think I must have said to Ro at least 10 times.. Look at all those people! It's fucking nuts!!

I sometimes surprise even myself at how much of a traditionalist I am, being such a liberal and all. I LOVE it when the bands play Hail to the Chief. And knowing it was the first time it was played for President Obama, it gave me the chills.

Well, the easy part is behind him. Let's see what he can do in the next 4 years.