People ask me all the time...So how's it going being at home?? I really think that most people who know me well expected me to hate it. Going from busy, career-minded woman who has a tendency to be aggressive... to mom in an apron, barefoot (we'll get into another day), (not)pregnant, etc. Fish out of water if there ever was one, I suppose. But the truth is that I lost my edge a long time ago.
Climbing the corporate ladder required stamina that I once had, but over the years with all of the tragedy in my life, it softened me. People at work noticed. Some who I had not seen in a while would ask, who is this new, softer Mandy? We don't know her. This was said to me on more than one occasion. And while I think that some of my new found empathy for others would have served me well had I decided to continue my ascent, it made me feel a little weak. I think that I also stopped caring about being the best. I didn't engage anymore because I really didn't want to be there. My heart was at home.
When I tell people that this is the hardest job that I have ever had, they say, Really? Translation: Bullshit, you don't "work" anymore. You stay home and dig in the sand and play with play-dough. You go to the park and change diapers. How is that hard?
I think I have figured out why it is such a difficult job. When you work outside the house, you usually have a job where there are certain expectations. You meet the expectations of your boss and your co-workers. Perhaps you have performance reviews. Maybe an occasional raise. A bonus. You know where you stand.
Now, I am my own boss. And my performance is being judged by only myself, my worst critic. And I am a shit boss who can seldom be pleased. I have unrealistic expectations and I prod myself to do better and I beat myself up when I make mistakes. Makes me feel a bit sorry for the people who used to work for me. No matter who tells me that I am doing great, I know there is room for improvement.
That being said, there are some areas that I kick-ass in my new job. My kids eat well. They have an incredibly well balanced diet and eat a wide variety of veggies. I love to cook for them. I make home made, soups, pasta, black beans with brown rice, roasted veggies. I am amazed at how strong the instinct is to feed my kids. Few things give me the satisfaction that I feel after they eat a good meal.
The kids are good sleepers for the most part. Bedtime is at 7pm and they wake up around 6:30 am. It is a very rare occasion that one will wake up at night. Very rare. Lily still naps regularly, and Noah will nap a few days a week. I truly believe that a rested child is a well behaved child. It took some will-power early on, but once the kids learned how to put themselves to sleep, we have had peace at night.
Areas that need some work are my patience, creativity with play, and more structured learning. The patience thing bothers me, but I work at it every day. I think I have come a long way with learning trigger areas for the kids. I avoid them, and it lessens the probability of tantrums. And I have just come to accept that sometimes 2 year olds just don't want to get dressed.
This job of stay at home mom will be ever-evolving. It is certain to have its ups and downs, but I have to believe that at the end of my journey I will find two happy adult children who love life and have always felt loved.
