Love Street

40 More Years

They say that 40 is the new 30....I don't know. I have looked at some recent pictures of myself and have found a significant amount of lines/wrinkles around my eyes. I mean, significant. Compared to pictures taken just two years ago. My friend said it is because I have kids. Now, I would have expected my eyes to look worse a few years ago. If anything, I should look better, right? Happy as can be. Two great kids. A husband that is better than anyone I could have ever wished for...

It's just gravity, and aging. And all that sun in my young days. I would only use SPF 4 (which I don't think they even make anymore because it is basically a death wish) on my face because I wanted to fry to get that deep dark tan that comes afterward. Last week when we took the kids to the beach I was slathered with SPF 30 and wore a big hat to make sure I didn't get any sun. Note to self: the sun that reflects off of the water very strong, so reapply SPF even if you are shaded by a hat. My face burned a little bit and it gave me a sick feeling inside.

I feel the sense that I should be more focused on preservation. As evidenced by my recent search for eye wrinkle cream...and purchase of new moisturizer with higher SPF. I have also had Alzheimer"s on my mind. My grandmother had it in the late 80's and eventually died from related complications. I have an increased risk because of my grandmother, and additional risk factors come from high blood pressure and plaque build up in the arteries(which I don't know that I have but I bet I am headed that way). Made methink twice before I grabbed the butter this last week. I need to go back to margarine. Damned HBO and their brilliant 4 part documentary on Alzheimer's. Now every time I forget something I am going to be wondering if I am showing signs.  

I think that my biggest fears about aging have to do with my kids. Yes, I go there. Will I live to see my kids get married? Will I live to see my grand children? Will I be the oldest mom at little league? Will my kids be embarrassed of me? Will I look like their grandparent? I can just see me trying to dress all hip so that Lily and Noah's friends don't think of me as being old.

Chances are, half of my life is behind me. And that is scary because it hasn't been that long. It took 40 years to find true joy, happiness and love. It took 40 years for me to get to the point where I love my life and who I am. And though I don't dwell on it (you may think otherwise because of the tone of this post), I have been thinking lately that I need to make an effort to make every day count. I need to enjoy every smile and laugh with my kids. I need to concentrate on being healthy so that I can enjoy the next 40 years. I need to make certain that my husband knows that I love and appreciate him more every day. And I need to be thankful for the wonderful life that is mine.

90 Day Performance Review

People ask me all the time...So how's it going being at home?? I really think that most people who know me well expected me to hate it. Going from busy, career-minded woman who has a tendency to be aggressive... to mom in an apron, barefoot (we'll get into another day), (not)pregnant, etc. Fish out of water if there ever was one, I suppose. But the truth is that I lost my edge a long time ago.

Climbing the corporate ladder required stamina that I once had, but over the years with all of the tragedy in my life, it softened me. People at work noticed. Some who I had not seen in a while would ask, who is this new, softer Mandy? We don't know her. This was said to me on more than one occasion. And while I think that some of my new found empathy for others would have served me well had I decided to continue my ascent, it made me feel a little weak. I think that I also stopped caring about being the best. I didn't engage anymore because I really didn't want to be there. My heart was at home.

When I tell people that this is the hardest job that I have ever had, they say, Really? Translation: Bullshit, you don't "work" anymore. You stay home and dig in the sand and play with play-dough. You go to the park and change diapers. How is that hard?

I think I have figured out why it is such a difficult job. When you work outside the house, you usually have a job where there are certain expectations. You meet the expectations of your boss and your co-workers. Perhaps you have performance reviews. Maybe an occasional raise. A bonus. You know where you stand.

Now, I am my own boss. And my performance is being judged by only myself, my worst critic. And I am a shit boss who can seldom be pleased. I have unrealistic expectations and I prod myself to do better and I beat myself up when I make mistakes. Makes me feel a bit sorry for the people who used to work for me. No matter who tells me that I am doing great, I know there is room for improvement.

That being said, there are some areas that I kick-ass in my new job. My kids eat well. They have an incredibly well balanced diet and eat a wide variety of veggies. I love to cook for them. I make home made, soups, pasta, black beans with brown rice, roasted veggies. I am amazed at how strong the instinct is to feed my kids. Few things give me the satisfaction that I feel after they eat a good meal.

The kids are good sleepers for the most part. Bedtime is at 7pm and they wake up around 6:30 am. It is a very rare occasion that one will wake up at night. Very rare. Lily still naps regularly, and Noah will nap a few days a week. I truly believe that a rested child is a well behaved child. It took some will-power early on, but once the kids learned how to put themselves to sleep, we have had peace at night.

Areas that need some work are my patience, creativity with play, and more structured learning. The patience thing bothers me, but I work at it every day. I think I have come a long way with learning trigger areas for the kids. I avoid them, and it lessens the probability of tantrums. And I have just come to accept that sometimes 2 year olds just don't want to get dressed.

This job of stay at home mom will be ever-evolving. It is certain to have its ups and downs, but I have to believe that at the end of my journey I will find two happy adult children who love life and have always felt loved.

Day Off

A few weeks ago I began to think that I might be a better mom if I had an occasional day off. I love my kids more than anything, but being home with them 24/7 is hard. When you work outside the home, you get a change of scenery, home to work to home. Home on the weekends, work during the week. And while I take the kids to various activities during the week, I had begun to feel isolated. I was also missing some favorite past-times...blogging, reading blogs, reading books, having lunch with friends. Some of the things that make me me.

It was a difficult decision to come to. I mean....I quit my job to stay home with the kids and now I want to spend money to have a day off? It took me a while to get past the notion that it was the mindset of a spoiled brat. I still have a little guilt about it, which I plan to get over soon, because my gosh, I deserve it. I really do. I have to keep telling myself.

Of course, Ro was all in favor of this idea (how did I get so lucky?). I had suggested every other week, he suggested weekly. I think that every other week is good. I could have a small hiccup as our old nanny, who is babysitting today, has pretty much landed a new job. But I am going to find someone else, because this is going to be good for me. 

Keep telling me that.

A Father's Day Note From Noah and Lily

Dear Daddy,

We want you to know how much we love you on our second Father's Day with you. You are our favorite person. Mom is a close second but we don't think she minds. She likes to watch you play with us and it makes her feel really lucky that she found you to love.

We can't wait till we are a little older so that when mom isn't around you can sneak us more donut holes, cookies, ice cream and let us watch more cartoons. We hope that you will take us to play golf so that you can get out there again as well.

While we are home with mom, we ask about you all day. Every time the phone rings we ask if it is you and we can't wait till you get home so we can wrestle after dinner. We also love getting horsey rides on your back and jumping on your stomach. It is our favorite time of day.

We know that you love us because you tell us more times a day than we can count, and you show us by showering us with kisses and hugs. You can never get enough and neither can we.

We want to thank you for giving us one of the greatest gifts and that was encouraging mommy to stay home with us every day. We love going places and learning new things all day. We color, read books, play with play dough and do all kids of other fun things with her. We wish you could be home with us, too, but we remind her to send pictures and video throughout the day.

Daddy, you are the best daddy we could ever have. We love you more than we can say.

Aboo and I you,

Noah and Lily

The Shit

Last week we had some warm weather and the kids and I spent a lot of time in the back yard. There were many moments that I stared at Lily and Noah playing, trying to burn the memory into my brain, all the while knowing that my memory will not be able to store all of the precious moments. The most precious moments are not necessarily big moments. They are cute little things they will say or do. Like when I was putting on Lily's shoe and she said hi and kissed me on the cheek. Or when I was sitting on a step and Noah came up to me, gave me a hug and then a kiss. If I could only freeze the look on his face.

I love being with the kids. Sure, I have moments when they frustrate me, but for the most part, I am loving what I am doing. I love being outside with them, the wind in our hair, music playing, birds chirping. I felt such a sense of peace last week and I told Ro that I think I just added back 10 years to my life because I have no stress. The kids don't cause me stress. Irritation, sometimes, but it is fleeting.

The first few weeks home were an adjustment. The first week was very hard just coming down from that work anxiety. That feeling of always being on. Phone ringing, email burning up. Slowly, it faded away. My fast paced life became slow. My new pace is in step with two 2-year olds. We have been doing some Mom's club activities a couple times a week, and some days we just chill. If we don't feel like doing much, we don't. We generally have no place to be. And I can't recall having this feeling since those old summer vacations as a kid. I feel a sense of freedom.

The only thing I don't like about being home is all the daily upkeep of the house. The prep and cleaning of 3 meals with two messy toddlers. The daily sweeping, high chair cleaning, kitchen cleaning, laundry (either washing or folding), vacuuming. If I win the lottery, I don't want a nanny, I want a maid. I am not a neat freak (piles of stuff here and there), but I must have certain areas clean.

Nap time is my time. Really, it is rest time. I get up at 5:45 every day to shower and get ready for the day before the kids get up. By 1PM, I am drained and I collapse on our bed and indulge in one of my favorite parts of the day. The West Wing reruns. I loved that show, but I missed a few seasons when I was in grad school. I didn't record it back then, so I am now seeing episodes that I have never seen. The West Wing was so incredibly well-written. When I am getting the kids changed for their nap, I find myself getting excited for the next episode. I have no idea what I am going to do with myself after I watch them all. I guess start all over again. Yes, I love it that much.

Life is good. It's crazy...my life was shit. And now it's the shit.

Happy 2nd Birthday, Noah!

Dear Noah,

I don't know when it happened, but you have gone from baby to little boy in this last year. I am thoroughly enjoying my time with you at home. I am now getting all of my fair share of hugs and kisses, though I can never give you enough and sometimes I have to chase you down to get a kiss, but let me tell you right now. Even when you are 40 you are not going to be too old to have your mom hug and kiss you.

You love books and cars. You talk a lot, though sometimes I am the only one who can understand you. For instance, it you are trying to say that the bird is getting your snacks, you say boor, snaaa. Your little language is so cute. You don't always get the sounds right. A car is a gaam. I don't know why, it just is. You are too cute. 

I think you have a hair fetish. Well, you like all things soft. Touching a soft texture will send your thumb straight to your mouth. You like to feel soft things with your feet, and if we are sitting up against the couch, you will jump up onto the couch and lean back to put your feet at our heads. You stroke our hair with your toes while sucking your thumb. It is the funniest thing.

You love your sister. You pronounce her name Lileh.  If she is crying, you run to her. Uh oh, Lileh cy, you say. You give her hugs and kisses. You dance with her and you fight with her over toys. She likes to get your goat, and you let her. If you have a toy, she looks at you with a gleam in her eye and says, mine. It gets you so riled up. NO MINE! you reply. And she calmly says, mine. And you go nuts.

I cannot express what a precious soul you are. You are gentle and easy going. You have a smile that melts my heart every time I see it. I love picking you up in the morning. I walk into your room and say Hi, Noah. And you give me a big smile and say Hi, Mama. Every once in a while, you let me hold you for more than a few seconds. You feel so good in my arms. And the best feeling ever is when you come over, unsolicited, and wrap your arms around my neck and give me a hug, then a kiss. Pure bliss.

You are my love, and my life. Happy Birthday, son. I love you.

Mama

 

Happy 2nd Birthday, Lily!

Dear Lily,

My sweet girl, you are two today. And I would really like to know where the time went. Oh that's right, I was at work. Well, no more and I love it because I get to see all the fun things you do all day.

Nothing makes me smile more than to see you galloping around the house. You don't quite know how to skip yet, but this is your version. You gallop and laugh and dance around, and your current favorite music group is The Beatles. You love to dance and your favorite song is She Loves You (yeah, yeah yeah). You like to yell, YEAH YEAH YEAH.

Last week we began practicing. I say, Lily, how old are you?? and you yell, TWO! You try to count. If I say one, you will say two. When you are playing with toys, you will grab one and say two and then mumble the rest. You hold full conversations...we just need a translation. You talk a lot, one of your favorite phrases is no cy baby. No cy. You are always concerned about babies crying or dogs crying.

You are a stripper. You like to be down to your onesie. That's what you wear around the house most of the time. I have given up trying to keep your clothes on at home. What does it matter, really? When we go out, within 2 minutes of getting home you are down to your diaper. I want to undress when I get home, too, so unless we are in public, I let you run around half naked. So much for all the cute clothes you have.

Your new favorite toys are a set of farm animals.A friend of mine gave me a couple of great books on activities to do with toddlers and there was a lot of focus on imaginative play. You love the animals and you line them up. They kiss each other. They go night-night on pillows. When I ask you if you want to play with the animals, you yell, ANIMALS!

You don't say yes in reply to our questions. You says Si. One of your three Spanish words. It is really cute when you say it. Yesterday you handed me something and said, here you go. And you have started calling me Mom, instead of Mama sometimes. It is so fun watching you grow and develop.

I am so thankful that I get to be at home with you every day. I don't want to miss a thing, and now I won't. I have fun sending your dad pictures every day to let him know what you guys are up to. I have never had so much fun. There is no way to describe my love for you. It runs so far and deep and is such a part of me. I feel so fortunate to have you in my life. You are my life.

I love you,

Mom

Pre-Easter Festivities

So things have quieted down here a bit after we converted Noah's crib to a toddler bed, and then put baby gates around it to keep him from playing around in his room. He will sometimes play a while, then hop in his bed and go to sleep.

Ro took a few days off so we had 5 days of family time, and time to get to know Lily's new tantrum stage. Our nanny had mentioned it, but now having been with the kids 24/7 for a week, YIKES! I am beginning to learn her triggers, so we will see if I can lessen them.

We had a nice Easter get together on Saturday with Ro's family. I love that everyone is willing to get together on a different day so that we can all be together and not try to be everywhere on one day.

Here are a couple of my favorite pix.

 

   

TIO!

I am watching Noah play with the blinds next to his crib. I must have accidentally pushed his crib too close to the wall when I set him down. Well, at least he is inside and has only jumped out once so far this nap.

After a harrowing day yesterday with Noah jumping out probably 30 times during nap and 10+ at bedtime, I told Ro that I give up. We are going to convert his bed and then put the "cage" around this crib so he can't run around and play in his room.

What do people do without camera monitors?? In order to save my delicate back, I decided to stand at his door with it and when I saw him lift his leg up, I opened the door and gave him a stern no. Did that a couple of times and he has been playing with the blinds since. Well, at least I get a break. Yesterday, after the 30 times at nap time, I said forget it and took him downstairs and made him lay with me on the couch while we watched cartoons. He protested at first, but then he relaxed and I thought he might fall asleep. At least he (and I) rested for about an hour.

We ventured out to Borders today and bought some new books. Seems that they are tired of some of the books we have. When they ask for books, I have to show them at least 3-4 books and they say no to each one until I find one that they like. It is so cute because Lily doesn't really say yes, she says si.

Besides all the chaos, I am really having fun. Just being able to sit and relax and have them sit on my lap throughout the day is all I need to make it worthwhile. If they are in the mood to give hugs and kisses, it is extra special. Yesterday when Noah was in timeout in the pack n play in the other room, Lily went over and they were having a full on conversation, totally back and forth. Who knows what they were saying...but if I had to guess...what did you do? i took off my jammies again, that gets you a time out around here these days. I know, me too. Well, I hope you get out soon because it sucks to have to play alone. Thanks, I think I only have another minute.

Are We Having Fun Yet?

Today is my first full day at home with the kids. So far so good. No mishaps, except for maybe my cooking. I tried to recreate our nanny's black beans with brown rice concoction, but it fell short. But the critics who matter ate it anyway. Must have been the cheese and avocado masking the lack of flavor. I need to figure out what she did to make black beans and rice taste. I added garlic and onion, but still.

Last week Noah escaped his crib for the first time, and has done so a few more times since then. I put him down for a nap about 30 minutes ago and he has climbed out 5 times. This is the most ever. The sleep bible says to not make eye contact, go in and put him back. Make that 8 times now. I have to be able to outlast him until he gives up. No break around here. Nap time was supposed to be the time where I checked email, my boards and kept up this blog. Ain't happening. Make that 10. Did I say so far so good?

At 12 times it was time for a stern reprimand. Didn't work. We are on 13. Just took some Advil. My back will feel this tomorrow.

ok, I have lost track now. Time to go.

Oh, and did I mention that Lily is screaming with all the racket.